HOPE FOR THE HOLY LAND
It’s now official! The deal to revitalize the ancient city of Jerusalem has been finalized between Sheldon Adelson, the Zionist billionaire casino developer, the Saudi Royal family and the Vatican. Adelson, who has been one of the major casino developers in Las Vegas, is looking for new locations for casino development while at the same time, the Saudis and the Vatican are looking for ways to diversify their economies.
The plan is to bulldoze all the ancient, decayed and rodent-infested archaeological sites of the old city and construct a casino, golf resort and ecumenical Disney theme park. To create an authentic air of grandeur, the Vatican will donate the stolen obelisk that marks the entrance to St. Peter’s Basilica. In exchange for the return of this icon of ancient Arabian civilization, Adelson will name the new casino “Pete’s Basilica.” The obelisk will now mark the entrance to the new golden-domed casino.
The “Moses Red Sea Water Park” will be built as soon as the Palestinian slums and Israeli settlements are demolished. In addition to paddle board rentals, a massive roller coaster ride called “Disciples Thrill” will plunge through the water with such velocity, it will actually part the waters as it races across the bottom of the 5-mile lake.
The Saudi government is purchasing the franchise rights to a number of American fast food chains and modifying the names and menus to reflect a Middle Eastern diet. After beta-testing the names and menus in Riyadh, the Saudis will open these restaurants throughout the park. So far the favorites are: Kentucky Fried Goat, McFalafel’s, and Hummus Hut.
Based on their phenomenal success with the St. Peter’s Square gift shop, the Vatican will open a crucifixion-themed gift shop which will offer miniature Shrouds of Turin. Their unique feature is that when you shake the mini-shroud, Jesus’ eyes sparkle. For those who find their appetite stimulated by crucifixion, the “Last Supper” food courts will feature sacramental wines aged in the catacombs, plus an irresistible goat cheese called “Cheeses of Nazareth.”